Mind o Mike

  • Blake: What's a 401k?
  • Anders: I'm glad you asked. Basically, it's a retirement plan so you can--
  • Blake: Oh, no. Nevermind. I totally thought it was a laser.
I’m thinking goggles — yes. Shovels — I don’t know how or why we’d use ‘em.  

I’m thinking goggles — yes. Shovels — I don’t know how or why we’d use ‘em.  

I’m sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-Ass.
Krieger
I hope she’s speeding on the way to the club, trying to hurry up to get to a baller or singer or somebody like that and try to put on her makeup in the mirror and crash, crash, crash… into a ditch! Just playing!
Dennis: Yo. Mac: Hey, buddy. Uh, I got us some turpentine, some wax, and some high-gloss boat paint. This shit is really expensive.     Dennis: Oh, dude, yeah, you’re telling me. I picked us up some new slacks and docksiders so we could have the right look, you know, and fit in and everything. We’re running pretty low on remaining dick towel money, though.           Mac: Plus, we got to fill that thing up with gas, and… Dennis: I know, man. We got to pop by the department store, pick up the mattress. And, I want to get a nice one, too. You know what I’m saying?  Mac: The what? The mattress? What do we need a mattress for?  Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can’t refuse… Because of the implication. Mac: Oh. Uh, okay. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kind of threw me. Dennis: Well, dude, dude, think about it. She’s out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. [Imitating girl] “Ah, there’s nowhere for me to run. What am I going to do, say no?” Mac: Okay. Th— [nervously laughs] That seems really dark. Dennis: No, no, it’s not dark. You’re misunderstanding me, bro.  Mac: I’m-I think I am. Dennis: Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said no, then the answer obviously is no.  Mac: No, right.  Dennis: But the thing is she’s not going to say no. She would never say no, because of the implication.  Mac: Now you… You said that word “implication” a couple of times. Wh-what implication? Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are going to go wrong for her, but she’s thinking that they will. Mac: But it sounds like she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Dennis: [Getting angry] Why aren’t you understanding this? Mac: I don’t — Dennis: Sh-She doesn’t know whether she wants to have sex with me. Mac: She doesn’t know? Dennis: That’s not the issue. Mac: Are you going to hurt women?  Dennis: I’m not going to hurt these women! Mac: Oh, okay. Dennis: Why would I ever hurt these women? Mac: Oh… Dennis: I feel like you’re not getting this at all. Mac: I’m not getting it. Dennis: Goddamn! [Notices shocked older woman who has overheard the entire conversation] Well don’t you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn’t be in any danger.  Mac: So they are in danger? Dennis: No one’s in any danger! How could I make that any more clear to you? Okay? It’s an implication of danger… You know what? Just drop it. Mac: Let’s drop it.  Dennis: Buy your shit and let’s get out of here.  

Dennis: Yo.

Mac: Hey, buddy. Uh, I got us some turpentine, some wax, and some high-gloss boat paint. This shit is really expensive.    

Dennis: Oh, dude, yeah, you’re telling me. I picked us up some new slacks and docksiders so we could have the right look, you know, and fit in and everything. We’re running pretty low on remaining dick towel money, though.          

Mac: Plus, we got to fill that thing up with gas, and…

Dennis: I know, man. We got to pop by the department store, pick up the mattress. And, I want to get a nice one, too. You know what I’m saying? 

Mac: The what? The mattress? What do we need a mattress for? 

Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can’t refuse… Because of the implication.

Mac: Oh. Uh, okay. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kind of threw me.

Dennis: Well, dude, dude, think about it. She’s out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. [Imitating girl] “Ah, there’s nowhere for me to run. What am I going to do, say no?”

Mac: Okay. Th— [nervously laughs] That seems really dark.

Dennis: No, no, it’s not dark. You’re misunderstanding me, bro. 

Mac: I’m-I think I am.

Dennis: Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said no, then the answer obviously is no. 

Mac: No, right. 

Dennis: But the thing is she’s not going to say no. She would never say no, because of the implication. 

Mac: Now you… You said that word “implication” a couple of times. Wh-what implication?

Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are going to go wrong for her, but she’s thinking that they will.

Mac: But it sounds like she doesn’t want to have sex with you.

Dennis: [Getting angry] Why aren’t you understanding this?

Mac: I don’t —

Dennis: Sh-She doesn’t know whether she wants to have sex with me.

Mac: She doesn’t know?

Dennis: That’s not the issue.

Mac: Are you going to hurt women? 

Dennis: I’m not going to hurt these women!

Mac: Oh, okay.

Dennis: Why would I ever hurt these women?

Mac: Oh…

Dennis: I feel like you’re not getting this at all.

Mac: I’m not getting it.

Dennis: Goddamn! [Notices shocked older woman who has overheard the entire conversation] Well don’t you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn’t be in any danger. 

Mac: So they are in danger?

Dennis: No one’s in any danger! How could I make that any more clear to you? Okay? It’s an implication of danger… You know what? Just drop it.

Mac: Let’s drop it. 

Dennis: Buy your shit and let’s get out of here.  

Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset mean I gotta look like Buck Rogers then I’m not interested. Besides, there’s a reason why people hold the phone to their head, Ed. It lets people around you know you’re talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finished, which you indicate by puttin’ that motherf*cker away.

Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset mean I gotta look like Buck Rogers then I’m not interested. Besides, there’s a reason why people hold the phone to their head, Ed. It lets people around you know you’re talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finished, which you indicate by puttin’ that motherf*cker away.